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Um, this is all about the funny. Don't take our unprofessional and humoristic advice for anything more than what it is: fun to read. Disclaimer said, read on!

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ARCHIVES
2007
(3/17 - 4/29)
(3/10 - 3/16)
(3/17 - 3/23)
(3/24 - 4/6)

FUNNY WEB SEARCHES THAT BROUGHT READERS TO TodayMyBoss:
**My boss stabbed somebody
**So I looked at my asshole in the mirror today
** I work for a university and my boss is crazy
** my boss can't speak english
** appropriate language for telephone boss out sick
** my boss is sexy
** why me god? i need a new job
**boss caught in office
**weird me out Boston
**harassment by boss
**my boss is retarded
**how to tell the difference between a caring boss and love

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Today My Boss:

1/16/2008 (But Emailed Over Winter Break)
Today my boss called work and was wanting to know where the financial report was that I had worked on all night at work. I put it in the INBOX MAILBOX, and left at 7:30 a.m., home to get some sleep.

Wouldn't ya know it...he didn't think to check the physical mailbox on the desk!@#$#%$%^&.

This behavior reaally stifles any respect I have for a boss. Yesh!!!!

Canada

Your boss reminds me of me when I'm on my cell phone talking to a friend and then I walk around my place looking for my cell phone. Genius. Also, next time he's looking for his hands, remind him that they can generally be found at the ends of his arms.

Dumb:  9 out of 10
 

1/16/2008 (But Emailed Over Winter Break)
I am a therapist working for a large social service agency. I heard from another therapist that my boss told her boss (two different programs)and said that I had dropped the ball and had ignored a client! When, my boss never assigned me the client in the first place. My boss failed to return my phone call (can't imagine why liar)Way to cover your butt boss lady!

Katie
USA

I really don't understand what's going on here (my boss your boss his boss their boss) but what I get from it is that your boss blamed you for something that he messed up. I don't know what to do to teach him honesty and maturity other than read him Little House on the Prairie. Or you could buy him the first season of Touched By An Angel.

Honorable:  0 out of 10
 

1/16/2008 (But Emailed Over Winter Break)
Today my boss called me in to office to tell me that he is still concerned that I have been getting in late. Starting November of last year, because I was consistently late to work, I was to start sending him an email when I arrived and when I left for the day. I can't figure out why be he also todl me to check out, but whatever. Well today, he calls me in his office to give me a written warning for punctuality, because I continue to be late for work (the latest I've been late is 8 minutes, and apparently have walked in late 10 times between November and now).

In his written warning, he now says that in addition to checking in, in the morning and out at night, I also have to check in and out for lunch. He never stated that there was a problem with my lunch habits, or leaving early, it has all stemmed from arriving to work, a few minutes late.

I am an exempt employee (union), and in our employee handbook, it clearly states that exempt employees shall not be required to provide time records; I am. Should I call him on this? Ask him to prove that I've taken extended lunches and leaving early (I haven't)? Should I contact my union?

Anonymous
Washington

Sounds to me like he's trying to get rid of you. First you should check your Union rules. Some unions have time limits about complaints, especially if you depend on public Transportation. The union I belong to has negotiated that you can only officially complain that someone is late if they come in MORE THAN 13 minutes past. So according to my job, you aren't even late. I would call the Union and possibly anonymously ask for advice. Other than that, good luck!

More obsessed with time than Tom Hanks in Cast Away:  10 out of 10

1/11/2007
Today I found out that my boss is taking another position in our company and they are planning to ask me to take her place. They have been planning it for months. Turns out everyone knows (except me). The really frustrating part is that she continues to say things to me about the future and plan things months in the future as if she will still be in the same position. She's either working her ass off to hide her promotion from me (WHY?) or I am going crazy. At this point, maybe both are true.

WTF???
ny, ny

Dear WTF,
So when your boss refers to herself doing tasks "in a couple months" she is really referring to… you? That is a very strange way to operate and maybe you should institute a rule that you may only refer to yourself in the third person. If we are going to be weird, let's do it right. Or every time she refers to the future you could ask, "You mean when I have your job?" and "So we're talking about me, now, right?" Don't let her get away with avoiding the issue, especially since she should be using this time to train you. And, also... congratulations on the promotion?

Who needs to know anything:  7 out of 10

1/2/2007
I am a college instructor in southeast Wisconsin. I caught several students cheating and took academic steps to prevent further cheating. This so enraged the students that they complained to my boss, who is the dean of the program. She told me because I was preventing my students from cheating that I was setting them up for failure. This story is true. It really happened. I am not making this up.

Wisconsin

Pete

Dear Stunned,

Priestly Sins: so hot right now!  It's actually the stocking-stuffer of the season.  We think he actually meant to be nice, but being socially retarded, failed miserably… If he hadn't written on the inside cover, we would say re-gift it.  But since he did, perhaps you can follow the holiday season cheer and donate it to a gift collection so that someone, somewhere, will be happy to get it.  In related advice: Close and lock the door of your office and only open it for pre-approved colleagues.

Pervy:  8 out of 10

11/27/2007
Today my boss accused me of holding her hostage. Six months ago, I tried to quit my job with one month's notice, but after my boss spent four hours crying... yes, literally crying, going through an entire box of tissues... and alternating between hurling praise and insults at me, I agreed to stay on until she found suitable replacements. Now six months later, two new people have been hired to replace me and I have adequately trained both of them. I again gave my notice, but offered to continue doing contract work for her at twice my hourly rate. She screamed at me that I was holding her hostage and being completely unfair and unethical by asking for the higher rate. Obviously she's the reason I'm leaving the organization, but WTF!? She's crazy!

should have quit the first time
california

Dear Should Have Quit, If you aren't the only person in the world who can do your job, your boss is clearly insane and in love with you. And we're assuming the feelings aren't mutual… which is a shame because we're picturing a beautiful wedding complete with clowns, balloon animals, elephant rides and people on stilts. As a departing gift you should leave her with a box of tissues, mace (for a real hostage situation) and a bottle of Xanax.

Gnarles Barkley CRAAAZAAAY: 10 out of 10

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A late entry but possible second place to the work sign contest:

The misspelling of Pantry is great, but the comment next to it seals the deal.

Advice: hot box the conference room during a lunch hour meeting and order pizza on the company card. Your boss would sign off on it in a heart-beat… and would hopefully provide the beer. Remember there is nothing techinically wrong with your boss' philosophy, unless you want to get things done, and we don't recommend that. P.S. Are you hiring?

Wait, what were we talking about?: 9 out of 10

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11/2/2007
Today my boss sent me home, i arrived at work fifteen minutes early yesterday and my boss asked me to deal with a few things so i asked him if i'm starting work early can i leave fifteen minutes early tonight, he said yes no problem, so later that day i got my coat to leave to which he shouted you still owe me fifteen minutes so i repeated our earlier conversation, to which he said either fifteen minutes now or dont come in tomorrow so i said see you on monday then!!!thinking he wasn't serious and would see his mistake i went into work today he asked me why i was there i said to him you clearly dont remeber our conversation from yesterday morning then. He then went on to tell me how he'd sent another staff member home for being late i told him that was nothing to do with me i wasnt late and i had done my contracted hours but he still insisted i left!!!!!!never mind had a great day off got lots done HA HA to you MR BOSSY!!!!

peterborough

Okay peterborough, you could buy him a goldfish for his office and tell him to take memory lessons from his new pet (apparently it's 3 seconds, so everything in a goldfish's life is a surprise). What a moron! Your other option is to carry around a voice recorder and hold it one inch from his mouth whenever you have a conversation, just so you can replay it when he forgets what he's said. The more obnoxious you can be, the happier we'll be. Please write in?

Stupidity: 6 out of 10

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11/1/2007
Today my boss slapped my hand, yesterday hed said I was getting flabby. do I have a case?

need to know
Sherwood, OR USA

Your boss knows this. Pain is the quickest way to teach a lesson… so the next time he slaps your hand, punch him in the mouth. Then say "stop eating my fist fatass." Self defense and karma are such bitches.

Law Suit: 10 out of 10

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And the work sign contest goes to:

Thanks anonymous, for scanning this one in for everybody! I like the use of ALL CAPS. This sign is quality.

9/28/2007
Today my boss while in our morning staff meeting vented about a complaint he had recieved from one of our members that an event we were hosting was scheduled on Rosh Hashanah. "How was I suppose to know when they are having one of their Jew Days? Maybe we should make a calendar that lists all the Jew Days AND American Holidays?" The best part about his obvious racism is that our Administrative Assistant is Jewish and she sat politely through his whole tirade as it was only her second week on the job and she probably did not want to rock the boat. He then wrapped up the meeting by stating how he planned to "Jew-down" the cost of our new server by a couple hundred dollars.

Didthat Justhappen
St. Paul, MN

Dear Didthat Justhappen,
I'm so sorry. Your post was painful to read. You need to tell on your boss to everyone who makes more than he does. Perhaps you can find a way to do it anonymously? We think he needs to be provided with enough free time to mark on his calendar every single religious holiday. This will hopefully take him from about 9 in the morning to about 5 in the afternoon, every day, from the comfort of his home. Dont' let him forget Boxing Day... That would just be rude, and he wouldn't want to go there, since he…never has? Good luck and email us with an update!

p.s. etiquette tells us to send flowers to that admin aide once she's quit... and please give her our web address.

Racist: 10 out of 10

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9/26/2007
Today my boss walked into a meeting with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants. I immediately told him "I need to speak with you," took him to the side and ripped it out the back of his pants. I held the wad in my hand for the entire meeting.

Grossed,
NYC

What's so gross about that? That was *most likely* the paper he used to line the seat and not the paper he actually wiped with. So you just held onto the paper that was pressed between his ass cheek and the toilet seat. I'm not saying I know this from experience... but calm your nerves. After some soft scrub I'm sure you won't have to worry about Hepatitis.

Above and Beyond: 10 out of 10

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9/21/2007
Today my boss posted a job on a website that sounded dangerously close to mine. So i asked her, are you planning on hiring a second assistant? She said of course not, I am so happy with you, You're doing a great job. I GOT FIRED AT 5:00 Why would she lie to me?

New York
NY PISSED

Lying is the new black... which was the new pink but that turned into a blog. But congratulations, that was the most passive aggressive thing any boss has ever done. Oh, I heard that as a thank-you for your wonderful employment, she’s sending you a bouquet of flowers arranged into a big middle finger. Stop reading between the lines. They’re just flowers. Jeez – you’re so sensitive. Maybe you could freelance for a bit and enjoy a boss-free existence, because it sounds like you really need a break.

Wrong: 10 out of 10

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9/20/2007
Today my boss (well, yesterday, truth be told) He is relatively new on the job and I think he can tell that we all sort of hate him. long story, but justifiably so, unless his behavior thus far is REALLY not indicative of who he is. But it is not looking good. Anyway, yesterday my boss sends out this email saying "come by today for some pizza-- lunch is on me, to thank you for all your hard work." Nice, right? Well we get over there, and he has brought in a big bad of cold, refrigerated pizza that is clearly his leftovers from the night before.

Oh so generous of him, huh?
WTF??

WTF,
As a thank you for his thank you, you could drudge up some dusty raisins from home. Or even splurge on that sugar free cookie in the office vending machine... the one with the factory sealed freshness since 1999. Nothing says "Respect me as a superior who definitely makes more than you" like his leftovers. Always be grateful! And try not to fall asleep at your desk. It's always hard to fight that post-lunch drowsiness after a big, rich, 5 star meal like that.

Ghetto: 9 out of 10

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Thanks to the 100.5 Gately morning show for listing us on their blog on 9/17/2007. Sometimes fishing through the submissions, writing responses and posting becomes monotonous and then you get hits from an unknown source and it makes it all worthwhile. You rock.

9/13/2007
Today my boss found out i had been lieing about my hours. my reasoning was the unneeded mental strain and the lack of dependibility of the job's hours and the boss's treatment of me. i didnt want to quit because she claimed to need me, but i felt i had to compensate in order to justify the use of time to myself. when is enough enough? today was the last day of my two weeks notice....and she called me to let me know i cold never use her as a reference ever again. im going to use this as an opportunity to start a new chapter in my life where those who have authority over me give me the respect i deserve.

Athens, GA, USA
Free At Last

Dear Free,
Finally – someone with some sense. Lying about your hours is really the only moral thing you could do in that situation especially considering you did need a way to justify the time you were spending on the job, but more importantly to justify the time you weren't spending there. At your new job, possibly include commute time in your weekly timesheet total. Who said getting to work should be counted as "free time," anyway? You are owed so much...

Now if you were billing your boss for bad dreams, that would be a different story.

I probably wouldn't give you a reference either: BAH out of 10

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9/10/2007
Today my boss (well, not today)... A few years ago my former boss got in a cocaine-fueled brawl with one of my coworkers (who I think was also on the nose candy). They fought only for a minute or so, and didn't stop until well after they had knocked another coworker (a woman) to the ground, sending her to the hospital with a concussion. A few months later, my coworker was back at the company, and nobody had a problem with this. I was long gone by then, and I don't think I need to explain why.

New York, NY
Quitter McGee

Dear Quitter,
Why would you EVER leave a company like that? The average American employee should expect to be concussed at least once during his or her prime years of employment. Anything less is just un-American. So basically by quitting, you're supporting terrorism. We're not asking that much, just please go beg for your job back. Also, if you could please purchase a video camera and post the next fight on YouTube for our viewing pleasure, that would be great...

Moral: never fire your dealer

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9/8/2007
Today my boss asked me to bring him a cup of ice (because his asst was away from her desk and presumably his own hands were either broken, burned or a victim of some other sudden tragedy)...i must clarify that he's not my direct boss but my boss' boss (mind you he never speaks to me and when i speak to him when we pass in the halls he doesn't acknowledge i said a damn thing)so i bring said cup of ice in the free paper cups stocked in the break room. and upon return with the requested ice he turns his nose up in disgust...why do you ask...IT WAS THE WRONG KIND OF CUP!!!! Unbeknownst to me he wanted me to bring the ice in one of those fancy colored party cups from his private collection.

annoyed beyond belief

Dear Annoyed,
Next time back a dump truck up to his office door and release 200 pounds of the good stuff through his door. That way there will definitely be some ice in the middle that hasn't been soiled by the disgusting ungodliness that you mortals refer to as "free paper cups." And you shouldn't really expect him to make eye contact with you or speak to you when he isn't giving you direct orders… with your free time please construct a shrine to his perfection in your cubicle and pray to it before and after lunch, as we do… k thanks.

Kidney Punch Needed: 10 out of 10

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8/13/2007
Today my boss threw a sharp dental instrument at me (his assistant), during a procedure which the patient witnessed. This is the same boss that fired a hygienist because she didn't come in to work on a day a natural disaster ruined her apartment and flooded her whole basement apartment.

New York, NY

Dental Assistant

Dear Assistant,
We weren't aware that the devil was so adept at dentistry. You need to find a way to get all the saliva that one instrument sucks away and offer your boss a nice cold cup of water. But really you and the hygienist need to do 2 things, egg his car and hire a lawyer (not necessarily in that order).

Wrong: 8 out of 10

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8/13/2007
Today my boss fired me due to missing work when my basement apartment flooded. As the water started to rise, I was told by the super to not go near the water due to high risk of electrocuting myself. I explained all of this and the seriousness of my situation to my boss. My boss said that my patients were my first priority. What about the responsibility I had to myself? I thought I was my first priority. He then proceeded to tell me, that he once came to work while he was experiencing a heart attack and that if I did not make it in, that I would be replaced. I obviously did not go into work. It was more important to me that I not die and that I salvage what I could after the water had receded. The next day at work, I was fired.

New York, NY

Dental Hygienist

The nerve you have, not going in to work, scared of a mere puddle of electrocution. You are what we brave and strong refer to as 'A Wimp.' Please use your newfound free time to devise strategies to avoid the neighborhood bullies, who will surely hound you now that you have no real daytime responsibilities. And, for future reference, the only time you can miss work is in the case that you (and only you) are near death - that is the level of priority demanded by those in the dental field.

Out of Touch With Reality: 7 out of 10

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8/13/2007
Today my boss gave me an 8 page spreadsheet to format. She also asked me to check the formulas. When I opened the thing, I realized the crazy bitch didn't use formulas to create calculations; she must have added the numbers with her fingers and typed the numbers in. When we explained the problem, she started complaining about how incompetent she thinks the receptionist is (who had nothing to do with the task.)

Seattle, WA

Wow. To fix the problem, please purchase a giant abacus and put it on your desk for easy access. When counting, make sure to clank the huge wooden balls for hours at a time, and when someone approaches you with a question or request, refer them to the guilty receptionist. And since time is moving backwards, be prepared to barter for your lunch.

ridiculous: 7 out of 10

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8/13/2007
Today my boss (who is the head of HR) gave me a book on how to set appropriate boundaries. As I flipped through it, I realized it was a religious book about how God wants us to set boundaries. Isn't advising me to subscribe to her religious beliefs an example of inappropriate respect for ...um, boundaries?

Seattle, WA

Ack!

If anyone understands the importance of boundaries, it's clearly your boss. And by boss we mean the big boss upstairs, God. You need to read the book cover to cover and memorize as much as you can and then quote it when potential new employees are there for interviews. We feel better knowing the head of HR, the writer of rules, is setting the standard of work appropriateness with a heavy religious overtone.

And by the way, my little cousin is being baptized next week – does your boss have an opening?

Separation of what and what: 8 out of 10

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8/13/2007
Today my boss told me that we should not wear jeans except for Friday of a three-day marketer's conference we were both attending - usually, we dress on the casual/hip side (i.e, nice jeans paired with tailored jackets, etc.). So, listening to her advice, I went out and bought some non-denim clothes and wore them to the conference. She wore jeans the whole time.

Seattle, WA

Confused

Dear Confused,

Maybe you misheard her and she really said, was never ever listen to her ever again. Also, Monday-Friday is now casual. Once she instructs you to revert to business attire, you need to purchase as many denim clothing items as you can, and subtly incorporate them into your wardrobe. We're talking denim bowtie, belt and watch band. Send pictures.

Dumb: 6 out of 10

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8/2/2007
Today my boss made fun of my faith. It was October and I was coming off a month of heavy Jewish holidays. I was stuck in the subway and my boss was not able to get a hold of me. After sending out a search party and having four people leave me messages inquiring where I was, my boss got a hold of me and said, "Where were you, is it a Jewish holiday or something?" How rude!

NY, NY

Religion is so hilarious!  There's really, nothing funnier. *wiping tears from my eye*  So seriously, what does your boss know less about – Judaism or social graces? If she's really that dumb then our advice is to make up some holidays and enjoy the extra vacation time!  "It is a holy day that only my people celebrate, please stop insulting me. I'll be in tomorrow."  Any advantage helps, right?

Racist: 7 out of 10

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8/2/2007
Today my boss out of the blue came up to me and said that if I quit I was not getting my last paycheck.

baffled

Working for free is great! It falls right between hot tub massages and napping in a hammock warmed by the Hawaiian sunset. In fact, we're on the phone with the payroll dept. right now putting a stop to this nonsense. Money, who needs it?  A good response next time could be something like: "oh, I'm not lucky enough to be in a financial position to quit this job... if only I could."

Ridiculous: 8 out of 10

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8/2/2007
Today my boss told me that I must have misheard her when she had told me my hours my first day (8:30-6). She tells me this six months into working for the wackado! She would prefer 8-8, sorry lady! not working more than 45 hours!

Anonymous

Yeah, sounds like your hearing aids were on the frits that first day  And it apparently took her 6 months to correct you on this misunderstanding? I think that may fall under the "crazy" category.  We hope HER hearing aids are on when you tell her no thanks lady, 8:30-6 is bad enough. Follow our model: we arrive at work right at 9:00, but actually work from 10am-11am with a quick coffee break in-between.  But if you follow that, it may result in a lot more free time.

Crazy: way on up there

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8/1/2007
Today my boss criticized me for coming to work sick. Yesterday she criticized me for calling in sick.

When you recover, please call in just to say you're coming in healthy. Really anything you can do to annoy her, because she sounds like the type who makes you want to take a 50% pay cut to avoid her craziness. Or tell her that she's the one who made you sick and stare at her for an uncomfortably long time. Sometimes you can out-crazy the best of them, but you may need to purchase a flask and some vodka, and keep it in your desk.

Ridiculous: 7 out of 10

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8/1/2007
Today (Friday) my boss told everyone we could go home at noon for an early weekend. At 11:00, he said he was just kidding and we all had to stay until 5:00 like usual.

THAT'S THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVER! I'm laughing so hard it makes me... ill.  I say the best response for this situation is to do something that demonstrates how much your boss' humor hurts. You could have punched him in the face and then said "Just kidding." That way you're both the most hilarious people ever!

Hilarious:  0 out of 10

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7/31/2007
Today my boss (well, not my boss)... but I went to an interview today and was asked whether I would be available to work a flexible schedule. Could you believe that I JUST received a call stating they couldn't extend an offer because of my family commitments!!?? Isn't that against the law?

Charlotte,
mad mom

Dear Mad Mom, When you got that call, you should have said, "Oh good, let me just turn down my Elvis record. You caught me right on my way out to vote for Dwight D. Eisenhower, because it's 1953." Unless you were applying to drive an ambulance, I'm not sure the "flexibility" of your schedule should be much of their concern. See how far women have come? All the way from the oven to the fridge.

Misogynistic:  10 out of 10

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7/30/2007
Today my boss threw a phone at an employee and told her never to come back. She then proceeded to tell her that she can only have 20 min lunches and she better be back soon with flowers! Needless to say the employee told her where to shove her flowers and never came back.

New York, New York

We would have picked up the phone and called 911. And what is the purpose of coming back with flowers? Can flowers substitute for sanity? Please let us know because we have an order of 60,000 roses on hold, pending confirmation. Perhaps your boss should operate on an email-only basis. Phones are too... portable.

Out of Touch with Reality:  10 out of 10

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7/30/2007
Today my boss told me not to go to my Aunt's funeral and asked if I was an adult and if my parents were making me go, if that was the case was I a child and not able to say no to them? She then continued to probe me on exactly how close I was with her. I then told her how disgusted I was with her for about 20 min before leaving for the funeral.

New York, New York

Ah yes, you don't even have an Aunt, do you? That was a very obvious deviation from the grandparent death trick that everyone knows. You think you're so clever, but your clever-er boss really nailed you. It's also good of her to pry into your relationship with your aunt, because we often leave work to attend the funerals of perfect strangers we have never met or even heard of. Your boss is really saving the company money by ensuring your presence at all would-be funeral times, and we applaud her.

Rating:  just plain horrific

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7/27/2007
Today my boss called his ex assistant a bimbo.

NY, New York
appalled

Hey Appalled, He's probably only calling her that because he slept with her and she didn't call him back. Some people are so transparent! In other news, your boss is a jerk.

Sexist: 6 out of 10

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7/27/2007
Today my boss told me I was being extra Jewish this week because I was leaving 3 hours early for a jewish holiday.

New York, NY
Ultra-Jew

Dear Ultra-Jew, 3 hours early? Why don't you just replace your computer with a dreidel? You have to ask yourself where your priorities lie… and they are clearly not in cramming as much work into 3 hours as you possibly could. Instead of revolutionizing the company in those 180 minutes, you chose to leave to celebrate your faith. We side with your boss – we've lost faith in you. OR you could jsut visit HR and see what they have to say about that little comment......

Racist: 8 out of 10

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7/23/2007
Today we just thought you might just enjoy this.  It was attached to a forward sent to us:

Hilarious:  8 out of 10

7/19/2007
Today my (former) boss looked at my passport and read my name and said, "wow you must get a lot of trouble at airports. i bet they never let you fly!"

nasser qadri
washington dc

Dear Nasser,

Amazing that she even hired you, with a name like that... Maybe they should reconsider letting your boss fly?  I feel that my safety is seriously threatened by her comment about your name. In fact, there should be a new terror threat color just for her.  Maroon for stupid.  I think what she meant to say was, "If I worked at an airport, I'd give you a lot of trouble!" She's always confusing herself with airport security, running around burning crosses and such.

Racist: 8 out of 10

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7/2/2007
Today my boss had a one on one meeting with me to which he called me an idiot moron drone, when i would open my mouth to talk he would put his hand directly in front of my face and say "nine" by the way he is NOT german.

suffering in corona
corona ca

Holy shit, suffering.  At this very moment your boss is the biggest dick in the nation.  And the poeticism of the German is perfect.  I would have had one hell of a time not screaming 'heil.'  Our advice is to record your next meeting, especially if you are any kind of minority.  Then get that pointer finger ready to dial 1-800-lawyer.

Strange: 10 out of 10
and...
Horrific: 10 out of 10

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7/2/2007
Today my boss actually had the audacity to speak with me about how I didn't join in on the get together after work. They all went out for beers, and I don't drink, so I went home. Since when is beer drinking a requirement and used as an assessment tool for progress. I get the social aspect of it and networking blah f**king blah, but frankly, I have a life outside of work and don't feel the need to be their drinking buddies. For real? Is it even LEGAL to make your employees go out for a beer after work?

Anonymous

Audacity is a good word – and so is "prick." After work hours are, by definition, after work, right? Meaning you don't have to spend time with those people that you aren't getting paid for. The only way it would be tolerable is if you were really drunk, so drunk that you don't remember it happening at all. That way, no harm done (minus permanent liver damage). You made the right decision. Although we think maybe you should reconsider and start drinking during work...

Obnoxious: 7 out of 10

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6/21/2007
Today my boss ran out of her office at top speed and simultaneously farted, loudly.

Anonymous

The question here, is why didn't she stay in her office?  Was she running at top speed to the bathroom?  Or was she just trying to get out of the vicinity before she dropped the bomb?  My advice - buy her a bedpan.  Those come in handy... especially in situations like these.

Gross: 6 out of 10

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6/18/2007
Today my boss sent the following email:

"Whoever took a dump in the ladies room between this morning and now needs to go back in the bathroom to flush the toilet. In addition, the other stall has the flap on the tampon box open.

This is the absolute last time I'll be asking the ladies in this office to have proper bathroom etiquette before we have locks installed in the bathroom and a sign in sheet for every time you use it.

I've got everyone on this e-mail copied, including Ronn and Adam because it's beyond me why as professional women we don't know how to keep the bathrooms in order for our colleagues, clients and potential new clients to use. How many times do I have to ask?

Again, this is the last warning.

Pick up after yourself, close the tampon box, wipe, clean and flush. If the toilet paper or hand soap runs out, please let someone know.

Thanks."

What if the mad sh**ter also doesn't wash her hands? And what is wrong with my boss? Please help!

NY
Stinkless in Seattle...I mean NY

Hey Stinkless, We are perplexed about the severity of this ridiculousness. Whoever sent it was in a passionate rage and clearly didn't reread it before hitting Send. Huge mistake. You need to take it positively and invigorate office morale. Please fashion necklaces out of freshly wrapped tampons and pass them out to your colleagues in an effort to make a statement about appropriate office conduct – If it's OK to email about tampon usage, it's OK to wear them in a lei around your neck. As for the flushing requests, why don't you propose that you hire a nice lady to sit in the bathroom all day, squeeze soap into your hands and offer your perfume and/or mints. If your boss can get paid to write that email, someone should get paid to make sure no more have to be written…see the logic? Oh – there isn't any.

Ridiculous: 10 out of 10

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6/13/2007
every day at 3PM, my boss has a popsicle (grape is preferred, cherry is accepted).

sometimes we will be in a meeting or something and that he will get fidgety around that time of day and that when the meeting is over, he will ask me to remind him to have his popsicle before he goes into the next meeting.

he has a mini-fridge under his desk that he keeps them in (and does not have any other kind of food or anything in there--- the fridge is entirely devoted to the popsicles, well the freezer part)

candy land,
popsicle fairy

Hey Popsicle Fairy, Firstly, please steal all of them one day, leave a ransom note, and get back to us about his response. These popsicles are clearly laced with cocaine. Does he break it up into small pieces on a mirror and snort them at his desk? Also this business about reminding him to have his popsicle is a goldmine of opportunity. You can leave him those pink "While You Were Out" slips: Mr. Popsicle of Freezer Inc. wants to see your esophagus @ 3pm. URGENT. Finally, we think his mini-fridge needs some magnets, like "Happy 8th Birthday" and "Sugar Daddy." If there's one thing he deserves, it's unabashed mockery.

Ridiculous: 10 out of 10

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6/13/2007
today my boss spent 20 MINUTES telling me about the last episode of the Sopranos, right after he asserted that he knew that I was more than overwhelmed with work to do.  and also after I told him

1. that i had never once seen the show, never had had HBO, etc.
2. that i didn't even know the characters' names, or the premise of this season's storyline

washington dc
 Sigh. ;)

Sigh, There truly is no better way to remove stress than with a good bang-em-up mob show.  I'm sure your boss was only trying to help you remove stress by telling you about all the shivvings, drive bys and who's sleeping with the fishes.  He's just being a nice guy.  The real sad part of this story is that you missed an excellent chance at asking for a raise.  Just one little "if I could only AFFORD CABLE" could have bumped you up by at least 50 bucks a month.

Frustrating:  7 out of 10 

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6/5/2007
Today my boss talked to the director of my agency about an issue I've been having. This is after he told me he would NOT talk to the director about my issue. Funny thing is- my issue has to do with gossip and talking about things that are none of people's business. Then he acted insulted that I was upset- declaring that I should trust him unconditionally and that this would help HIM in the long run.

New York, NY
I never should have said anything

Oh, the irony. He's telling you one thing and doing the opposite – we see how he was promoted to such a high level in your agency and we think he clearly deserves a lot of respect and admiration for his virtue. If gossip is his game, you're up to bat. Did you hear he got hair plugs when he was 30 so his partner wouldn't leave him? Don't ask him about it though – he gets really defensive and denies it to the death. But really – hair plugs are a new low, but I guess they helped him ... in the long run?

Ridiculous:  6 out of 10

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6/1/2007
Today I realised my boss has been underpaying me by over 25% of my wage for the last 3 months. the company is on the verge of collapse, how should i approach this? :)

Stratford, warwickshire, UK
Tom
 
Tom, So your boss has been underpaying you to fuel a failing company? If you know the fate of the company for sure – you should clearly demand your wages... and ask for a raise. The remaining money should not be spent on a losing venture; it should be spent on you and anything you want to buy with it (like a new car to take you to your next job). This makes perfect business sense. Anyone who disagrees is probably the boss at a loser company.  But if you really want those wages, you might want to have a lawyer friend draw up some papers.

Unfair:  10 out of 10

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5/31/2007
Today my boss watched movies via netflix all day long.  I saw him at his computer.  I was stuck doing work he delegated to me while he watched the documentary "Trembling before G-d."  I know this because I saw it paused on his computer while he was out to lunch.

Angered,
NYC

It's true that sometimes you just have to take advantage of the high speed internet at work.  If you want to download a song or pay bills that's totally acceptable.  What does not fall under 'acceptable' is watching movies while you get your assistant to do your job.  My advice?  Make him some popcorn.  If that doesn't drive home the point, be sure to have a lot of questions about what he asked you to do.  No one likes being interrupted when watching a good film ;-)

Ridiculous:  8 out of 10

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5/29/2007
Today my boss made me order his lunch for him. When the food arrived, it was the wrong order (I placed it correctly... not my mistake), and he asked me to fix it for him. I don't work in a restaurant, I work in an office.

Jaded,
Kansas

Hey Jaded, Simple solution – when he gives you money for the order – keep the change for yourself and tell him you tipped 75%. After all, the delivery man worked so hard he deserved it. He can't really get angry because he makes more than you do so money issues are uncomfortable to begin with. Maybe he'll get the hint that it's not your job… but we say keep ordering until you have a stockpile large enough to retire to Florida. You earned it!

Frustrating:  6 out of 10

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5/28/2007
Today my boss brought in uncooked meatloaf, corn on the cob, and a small steak and he cooked them all in our work toaster oven.  Think about the smell in the confined space.  I think a cookout just smacked me in the face.  It's almost like it is Memorial Day.  Wait it is... I just don't have the day off. 

insult to injury,
Houston TX

Nothing quite like a good boss to point out what you are missing by being at work.  I'm surprised he left it at that.  I would have put up streamers, American flags, and hummed war tunes all day long... just for you!  From Detroit down to Houston, New York to LA, there's pride in every American heart and it's time to stand and saaaaay.... I'm Proud... to be... an American...  SORRY, I just can't help but to burst into song sometimes.  I can't believe that your boss doesn't realize how inappropriate it is to cook a 3 course meal at work.  Good luck with that one.

Out of Touch with Reality:  7 out of 10

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5/24/2007
Today my boss ate my paper. i'm in a design business so i was sketching something so that i could work it out in my head, and he came over and ripped the page out of my notebook, crumpled it up, and put it in his mouth and started chewing it. then he kept chewing it until i guess he realized he couldnt swallow it and he walked away. he also keeps vodka in his drawer and drinks it out of a special glass during lunch.

stephen,
new york city

This might be one of the strangest experiences we've ever heard. We are hoping that this incident happened after a tall glass of vodka, because any sober person doing this is more fit for a zoo than an office. Please offer him a fork and knife on a plate from your drawer for next time. When he refuses this option, recommend that he microwave your design for 2 minutes on high. The toaster is a final option, and designs are most appetizing when prepared while taking a bath. Everything tastes much better when it's a little warm, no?

Horrific:  10 out of 10

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5/24/2007
Today my boss told me, in detail, about his online love life.  It involves a lot of explicit instant messages and some Jergens (occasionally KY for special occasions).  I actually just feel sorry for him.  Do you?

Grossville,
NC

Grossville, this entirely depends on his age.  Is your boss 14?  Because if so, his habits are completely normal, so you wouldn't have to feel sorry for him.  Now anything over about 17 and I would start to worry.  He could seriously develop hair on the palms of his hands,  his vision could go, or he could be cybering to a 350 ex-marine (and we are not speaking from experience here).  I think actually that your bosses behavior is relatively normal for social inepts these days.  I'm sure he'll stop sharing his solo exploits with you as soon as he can save up enough for that plane ticket.

Gross:  9 out of 10

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5/22/2007
Today my boss jumped up and down and screamed at me for no apparent reason. I just generally piss him off. I promise I do my job too. What the fuck?

Too Far South,
Georgian

Hey Georgian, Please keep bananas in your desk for the next time he does this. When he starts jumping around, offer him one to calm him down. But actually, even when monkeys jump around, they generally have a reason for it. Was there impending danger? Was he showing off for a potential love interest? If he is really advanced, maybe you can teach him some basic sign language like "hungry," "bathroom" and "I quit."

Bastardly:  9 out of 10

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5/21/2007
Today my boss said he was in love with me. I'm pretty frank with him, and we chat about a few things outside of work, but honestly our relationship has been solely professional. Also (perhaps this doesn't need to be mentioned per the content of what he said) he's a nutjob. He's about 12 years my senior and not attractive.  I'm not scared of him, but what do I do?

Kindof Grossed Out Actually,
CA

Freaked, you have a few options: go along for the ride; go the sexual harassment route; ignore him and put it under the "crazy boss again" catagory; or, find yourself another job. Its always weird when you hear someone profess love to you, especially if they are nutzo, but you know stranger relationships have occurred.  Give the man a chance (you know crazy people are great under the sheets).  Look at Brad and Angelina, they were happy for a while.

Or... (blast of reality here) go the cover your ass route.  All kidding aside, this might be something you would want to document and possibly mention to his boss in confidence.

Gross:  9 out of 10

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5/21/2007
Today my boss has been spamming us with emails about a new project we're working on. I've literally gotten 4 emails in the past 15 minutes regarding this issue. How do I tell him to calm down?

Jittery,
MD

Hey Jittery, The best way to make him understand that he's gone overboard is to respond to each email with a list of at least three things he needs to do to continue a successful operation. Also, encourage all your coworkers to overload his system in this manner – let no email go unresponded. When he gets 45 new emails in 5 minutes, maybe he'll grasp the scale of his ridiculousness. Or... you could delete the emails without reading them and then take a two hour lunch.  But then you'd be us.

Annoying:  4 out of 10

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5/17/2007
Today my boss and I walked by a group of mentally handicapped people and then for about five minutes after, my boss talked with the lisp of a retarded person.  When I laughed uncomfortably he looked at me and said "don't laugh at me,"  which I think he said to be funny, like he was still in character or something.

I don't think it was funny... was it? And what can I SAY to that?

Confused
NC

Oh no no, no no no.  The only people who can make fun of retards are the retarded themselves, homosexuals, and those people who NEVER plan on having children.  You see, karma has a way of knowing who makes fun of the disabled and who doesn't.  And, unfortunately for them, karma often skips a generation.

Another strategy would be to educate your boss.  A simple "oh yeah? My BROTHER talks just like that" would educate him up real quick.  You could follow that one up with "Doesn't offending people just make you feel RETARDED?"

But seriously, an "I don't think that's funny" goes a long way. 

Or as Corky said when he would get pissed, "shut up bish."

Horrific:  9 out of 10

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5/17/2007
I saw my boss out at a bar on Saturday and he totally hit on me. Should I forgive him because he was drunk?

Creeped Out,
FL

Hey Creeped Out,

That sounds like a minor mess. Don't worry about it too much until he hits on you in the office or tries to ask you out. Until then just forget that it ever happened. It's sort of like the 5 stages of grief and you're on denial. After anger, bargaining and depression, you'll soon arrive at acceptance. See the light at the end of the tunnel? 

But seriously,  if you feel violated say something to someone (his superior, HR).  If not, enjoy the fact that you can always say something to someone.

Creepy:  9 out of 10

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5/15/2007
I work in a school, today my boss seriously mispronounced the first names of at least 6 students that she has known for over a year.

seriously confused

ny, ny

Hey Confused,

We can only let this slide if your boss was nursing a hangover or if your boss is an 8 year old.  Alcohol does funny things to the brain, and so does being born in 1999.  Other than that, you should painstakingly remind her how to say the names before she does it again, preferably in a public setting so other people hear.  Or you could always quietly revel in her stupidity, but that's just mean… right?

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5/4/2007
Today my boss made me go with her to get everyone on our team candy bars showing her appreciation for our hard work. First she made me pay for them, to be reimbursed later, then on the way back she ate 3, and we were gone for an hour.

Peeved,
CA

Hello Peeved, Doesn't your boss know she makes more than you? We wouldn't complain about missing work for an hour, but we understand hating that your time had to be spent with her. Just keep encouraging her to eat the candy bars "You don't look full yet…" and maybe she'll have to go home sick. Tactic: all binge, no purge. Works like a charm.

Gross:  4 out of 10

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5/3/2007
Today my boss stared at me for an entire meeting. I made eye contact with him a couple times to ward him away but it didn't work. What?

Over it,
 IL

Dear Over it, That's exactly the attitude you need. Your boss is a big creep and unfortunately he is in a position where you need to put up with a certain level of his disturbing behavior in order to pay rent. Next time, just pretend it is a staring contest and make sure not to blink. If he is immune to social awkwardness, this shouldn't harm him. Write us who the victor is, because as of right now you're favored 10 to 1.

Weird:  9 out of 10

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5/3/2007
My dumb boss makes jokes about his assistants in front of us.  Like, "My assistants are going to hate me this week because I have a lot of work for them! HEHE."  Or he'll walk through the office with his associates and say something like "Where ARE those copies?  It's so hard to find good work these days.  HEHE." 

There are no copies.  He's just talking to hear himself talk and ultimately making jokes at our expense. What should I do?

Just Not Funny,
New York

We've seen it before and we'll see it again, bosses that want to assert themselves in the office but don't quite know how to so they talk to hear themselves talk.  This polluted stream of consciousness often gives you insight into their true character.  Your boss is an asshole.  He sees himself as far superior to little old YOU.  My answer is stream of conscious back.  You know, "Here comes the fat bastard now, I wonder if he's going to make a joke, give me his work, then go chat with a buddy in his office for an hour. HEHE." 

Dumb: 7 out of 10

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4/30/2007
Today my boss asked me to change my heels.  They are cute shoes, maybe the heel is a little high, but I still think appropriate.  I didn't want to think that he is one of those guys that likes to control the way women look, but could he be?

Disappointed,
Ohio

It's always sad when someone lets you down like that.  You expect one thing and then *whap* you get shown someone is a card carrying member of the patriarchic old boys club.  We advise you to get a young male assistant and insist he keep a few pairs of shoes at the office.  That way, at YOUR whim, you can have him jump in and out of different pairs.  If your boss notices then perhaps he will see how ridiculous he actually is.

Misogynistic: 8 out of 10

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4/30/2007
Today my boss was looking through my desk drawers. I came back from lunch and there she was. Is this legal? Scared, Kansas

Scared,
Kansas

We suggest leaving a large 'adult toy' in your top drawer to scare her away. If it's legal for her to poke around in your stuff, it's legal for you to bring what you want to work and leave it in your desk drawer. What's she going to do - ask you about it? Our strategy: Escalate the potential awkwardness to a million percent, then triple it.

Creepy: 8 out of 10

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